Why We Don’t Just Ask

In his 1976 book Beyond Culture, anthropologist Edward T. Hall explored why people in some cultures communicate very directly, while others use more indirect messaging. For example, in my office, it would be normal for someone to say, “This podcast title doesn’t work. Let’s try something else.” In response, the team would simply brainstorm more options. That’s because America is generally a direct communication culture. We value efficiency and results, so we tend to say exactly what we mean to avoid any confusion that may waste time and resources.

By contrast, most indirect communication cultures value stable relationship networks and social honor more than efficiency. Therefore, even when a matter is urgent, it may be communicated obliquely to avoid shaming the recipient. In that setting, an editor who is very dissatisfied with a podcast title might say, “I wonder if we are done with this title?” Although never explicit, the team would get the message: He hates the title; let’s start over.

Unless we’ve traveled extensively, or had meaningful cross-cultural relationships, most of us are unaware of our own communication style. We can just assume everyone is operating under the same set of assumptions, which causes us to completely misinterpret what’s being said. For example, researchers have noted that Americans working in Asia complain that people there “never say what they mean,” while Asians often view Americans as “rude” or “pushy.” These judgments result from misinterpreting direct and indirect communication.

Learning about Hall’s work on cultural communication styles changed my reading of the Sermon on the Mount. Ancient Judea, unlike modern America, was an honor-based culture. Recognizing this dynamic is critical to understanding many gospel stories and parables. Very often, honor-based cultures also employ indirect communication styles, particularly when a lower-status person communicates with a higher-status person. In other words, directly confronting someone in authority was extremely rare, as was making a blunt request. Doing so risked shaming the person in the presence of others if the plea was not granted immediately.

Given this cultural dynamic, imagine the surprise of Jesus’ listeners when he said, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” He was calling his disciples to employ an utterly counter-cultural, direct communication style toward the highest authority imaginable—God. But why?

Remember, Hall said indirect communication is employed in cultures where protecting honor and harmony is paramount. The great risk of direct communication is causing offense or shaming the other person. By inviting us to make our requests boldly and directly to our heavenly Father, Jesus was revealing that God’s honor is not delicate and needs no guarding—especially from mere humans. Likewise, his love for us is never in doubt and therefore does not require manipulation or coddling. In other words, our relationship with our Father in the heavens is not defined by fear or fragility. God’s self-sustaining security welcomes our bold sincerity.

If this is true, then why don’t we just ask him for what we seek with honesty and transparency? Why do we feel the need to hedge our prayers with platitudes, Christian cliches, and passive appeals? Such prayers may cause others to view us as humble or devout, but they also reveal that we carry a distorted vision of God. In other words, as our vision of our heavenly Father becomes clearer, so should our communication with him.

Daily Scripture

Matthew 7:1–5

James 4:2–3

Weekly Prayer

From Thomas à Kempis (1380 - 1471)

How long can we love life, when it holds so much bitterness and brings so much sorrow? Indeed, how can we call the daily struggle true life, when it brings physical pain and spiritual sadness in equal measure? Yet people cling to sinful activities as a source of comfort. They grasp desperately at the passing pleasures and vanities of the world. They do not readily abandon the desires of the body and the lusts of the eye.

Lord, strengthen me with heavenly courage, that I may fight against pleasures and vanities that harm the soul. I do not expect or ask that trials and sorrows should cease. I ask only that, in your strength, I resist the temptation to seek consolation in sin. For I know that only by clinging to the gospel of righteousness, and by grasping at your eternal grace, can I ever experience true and lasting joy.

Amen.